Things have changed significantly over the past few months with sub and I. I believe I have helped him see himself in a better way. His self esteem is higher and I think he realizes he is worthy of the things he has always thought that he was not good enough for. I tell him daily how amazing he is, how attractive and sexy he is. I try to show him that he is loved, and he absolutely deserves to be loved. This seems to have caused his desire to be dominated to lessen. Almost vanish. Or possibly hidden deeply. He has this natural desire to be loved. It runs much deeper than other men I have met. So maybe he still wants to be dominated, but knowing I couldn’t be that, maybe he is choosing to hide his desires. He doesn’t communicate things easily and has a hard time asking for things he wants. So I don’t know if he wants that anymore or if he has enough confidence to not desire those things anymore. I can honestly say we are the closest thing to a normal couple that we have ever been. That’s what I wanted when I first met him.
I received my second custom Jail Bird, and I have been wearing it for a few weeks now, and it is quite comfortable, and a pretty nice fit.
The outside world, the other world, has always seemed so unreal to me. Like I am playing a character in a movie. And who is watching it? Or that I am in a dream and just accept things even though they seem strange because I don’t know that I am asleep.
BDSM is an ideology, and like all ideologies, it works backward from desired conclusions. This is how expressions that are so obviously meaningless, like “abuse is not BDSM” can be so easily accepted as having meaning. Starting with an ideal or a conclusion and then creating its justification means that you perceive reality with self-imposed blinders.
Mommy was away for the night, which gave me time for quiet reflection that I haven’t had in a while. I have been reading about the psychology of fetishes and struggling once again to understand myself. But my search for answers always leaves me wanting, and I haven’t been able to come up with my own answers yet.
I haven’t blogged in a while because Mommy and I have been busy vacationing. We began with a sailing trip on a nearby lake. As we rode the schooner, we drank wine, and the weather was perfect, sunny, warm, but with a steady breeze that refreshed. We concluded the vacation with a day-long visit to an upscale spa, spending most of our time drinking wine and cocktails in a large, outdoor, hot massage pool that has natural rock waterfalls.
The more I am learning about BDSM, the more I don’t like it. I have to admit, I did have a preconceived notion about it that was an immediate turn off. However since meeting “A” I figured I would give it a fair chance.
I have been reflecting on the nature of service and its implications. I am of course speaking of service in personal relationships, not as part of financial transactions. Outwardly, it appears that the servant performs a task, so the person served does not have to expend effort on that task. The benefits and the beneficiary are clearly apparent.
We are often told that porn degrades women and is violent toward them. But the next time you watch porn, actually look at it. Compare the violence of femdom vs maledom, or even vanilla ‘rough’ porn…
My thoughts often drift to owning at least one more slave. I won’t have them fight for my entertainment as A wonders.