The extreme form of Female Led Relationship I fantasize about is unrealistic for many reasons.
To have that existence would not only mean that the person I know as myself would cease to exist, but all of my unique individual qualities would cease to exist. I would be stripped of my identity, my desires, my dreams, my self confidence, self esteem. I would have no more opinions, and even if I did, I would not have the strength of will to utter them. I would not really be thinking for myself anymore. I wouldn’t be recognizably human anymore. And that scares me.
After all, how could I endure that treatment and still have any shred of self worth? For that matter, how can someone who sees that I gladly endure such things have any respect for me?
In BDSM circles, you often hear it said that dominants should not fall in love their submissives, because it would lessen their desire to hurt that person, and then ironically, end the relationship. I’m not sure you can chose to not fall in love with someone though. But I think I might be able to exist as an unloved slave. After all, I don’t think I deserve love anyway.
But, as much as I think about cruelty, I also think about a caring owner. Someone I can have stimulating conversations with, watch movies with, snuggle in bed with. Sometimes I just want to be held. I crave physical intimacy. I would want to be able to share life’s adventures with my owner, which would mean putting on clothes, leaving the home and being a separate person with my owner. Then again, if my owner did these things with someone else, it would directly feed my submission.
Maybe having a caring owner is the unrealistic fantasy. Is it possible to have moments of normalcy between times of cruelty? I suppose many abusive relationships function in this way. And I want an abusive relationship.
In every relationship, even the "normal" ones, I tend to slowly lose myself in the other person. I suppress my own needs and cater to theirs. I suppress my own preferences for theirs. This happens quite naturally for me, so I can imagine this being taken further, done intentionally over time.
It can feel good to feel small. Feeling worthless and insignificant is like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold night. Even when I walk among normal people out in the world, I try to keep a low profile, try to be unseen, unremarkable, and easily forgotten. I fade into the background and become invisible, a ghost moving among the living. I often think about how good it must feel to simply fade out of existence and be forgotten forever.