My broken mind eroticizes everything negative. Its a cruel trap I’ve fallen into and can’t escape.
Once a woman I had just met sized me up immediately, and in a compassionate tone acknowledged that I "carry a lot of shame." Its true. I am a phony living a double life. I carry a secret that is a terrible burden, that just keeps getting heavier, as I am getting weaker. I hate what I’ve become. And, I hate that I want more of what I hate.
I’ve eroticized the shame too. I don’t think I fully realized this until I talked with a dominant woman (in the BDSM community) who is a psychologist. I was crying and begging her to tell me what was wrong with me. She did. She confronted me with the truth: the torture that I say I hate so much, I actually want, even though it certainly doesn’t feel like I want it. She actually said that I ‘loved’ being in misery. That’s hard to wrap my mind around, even once I accepted it was true. Why else do I keep going back to the darkness, and once there, I keep going deeper? Its the only explanation I suppose, or the only one I have found. Its funny how our minds will try to hide from themselves.
Its hard to comprehend. I feel the same pain you feel, and probably the same pain hurts me even more than it does you. Its not that I enjoy the pain per se, the pain is still every bit as painful. But somehow I need the pain like I need my next breath. Its this contradiction that is the crux of my struggle. Trying to keep these two ideas in my head at the same time is what keeps me awake at night. I struggle to make sense of it.
I have tried so hard to get better in the past. I made temporary progress, but ultimately, all effort was in vain and if anything, made the sickness return stronger. A few years ago, something switched on in me, and I suddenly no longer cared about getting better anymore. I wanted to live in misery. This is just who I am, and I better figure out how to live with it. And then very soon after that, I accepted that not only did I not want to get better, but I actually wanted to get sicker!
I’ve created a very lonely place to live. It is a downward spiral. Sickness leading to shame leading to more sickness leading to more shame, and so on. I am the most disgusting, pathetic creature to ever draw breath. I am the embodiment of ugliness and evil on earth. The only thing I have left to truly hate is myself.