I don’t really believe in "limits" per se. I think these things are more accurately described as starting expectations. I have thought a lot about what mine are, but to someone familiar with BDSM they may seem a little out of the ordinary. But these are what they would understand to be "hard limits".
Its hard to come up with an exhaustive, all-inclusive list of limits, because of lack of complete knowledge and experience. An imaginative owner should constantly challenge the slave with new ideas, etc., but these new ideas might be hard limits that just never occurred to the slave, or they may be things that the slave likes once they happens but had otherwise never considered them before.
There are also things I have fantasized about that I didn’t like actually experiencing, and I have to assume that this is true of some of my unfulfilled fantasies now. Conversely, there are many instances where I have been taken to a place I didn’t want to go, without my consent, only to realize that it was something missing in my life. So, this is something I need to continue thinking about and developing.
First, this is all understood to happen within an actual relationship. I need to be devoted to the owner before I can submit completely, and before things like betrayal in cuckolding have any meaning, any capacity to elicit pain.
My biggest limit is that existing friends, family, co-workers, neighbors etc. cannot know about any of this. I have to be able to trust you to keep my secret. We must be discreet and private. We must act "normal" in public. Related prohibitions include:
- hurting pets or people I care about as a way to hurt me
- anything that damages my professional work or family relationships
- publicly visible or permanent injuries, such as bruises, broken bones or cuts
- specifically, repeated blows to the head, as they can lead to early onset of dementia
- likewise, repeated blows to the testicles can have devastating health consequences
- taking female hormones
All that said, the privacy issue is about the people I know and preserving my ability to survive in my world. My owner can tell her family and friends as much as she likes, as that is her business. And if we are away from those I know, say on vacation, then more public behavior is possible.
And it should probably go without saying, but illegal activities are almost certainly out. A few things that are probably worth mentioning too is that I would want to avoid financial distress and financial ruin through these activities, and I am also prejudiced against marriage and even co-habitation for similar reasons: men do not have equal protection under the law in the U.S., and many men’s lives have been destroyed as a result of putting their trust in the wrong person. To consider that type of commitment would require a level of trust in someone that is hard to imagine.
Overall, I don’t think there is anything in this list that most people would object to, and I suspect they are a subset of any owners own limits on her behavior.
Perhaps it would also be helpful to list some things that are extreme by the standards of many that are in not part of my hard limits. Some of these are difficult things to imagine experiencing, but if I had an owner I was devoted to, I would likely do them without much resistance, or at least, not so much resistance that my owner couldn’t overcome:
- permanent emotional or psychological damage, such as lowering self esteem
- absence of safe words
- lack of consent
- rape, gang rape, forced bisexual behavior
- domestic violence, physical and mental abuse
- rejection, betrayal (cheating, cuckolding)
- denying medical and mental health care
- permanent markings, piercings, brandings, etc. that are not publicly visible
- fighting for the amusement of my owner
- being lent to others to control
- being prostituted
And its probably true that all limits, including some hard limits, can be re-evaluated as the relationship progresses. In fact, if I were retired, had no family left (a definite possibility) and moved to a new area, many of these hard limits would no longer apply.
In the end, I hope to find someone who I can place some basic level of trust in. Someone who will empathize with me enough to know when she should stop pushing me for that time, and when she should continue to push me beyond where I’ve gone before. I want to be constantly challenged, and improve as a slave as result. This will also keep me in a constant state of fear not knowing what will happen to me at any moment, it will make me more emotionally dependent on, and devoted to, my owner.
Finally, there are things I would like to preserve even within an 24/7, TPE, FLR relationship that seem related to this discussion. I try to be healthy, eating a certain way and exercising. I also like to read, to learn, and listen to music and I would like to have some time to do these things for myself as well, so that even within my small world, I can try to improve myself physically and intellectually. I also have occasional issues with my lower back and would like to see a chiropractor on a regular basis, 1-2 times a month. (For that matter, I should be put on hormone replacement therapy at some point.) This is all that I think I need, but without these things, I think I would deteriorate. That said, these things can be used as rewards and punishments, and otherwise be strictly controlled by my owner.