Here is another example of just how dark and twisted my mind is.
A few years ago, when the Jodi Arias trial was in the news, I became obsessed with this story, and with Jodi Arias. I was instantly mesmerized by her physical beauty, her cruelty, her lack of remorse. She is evil incarnate, and irresistible.
A quick recap: Jodi Arias murdered her boyfriend after a relationship in which she stalked him, broke into his home repeatedly, controlled him and threatened him. It was a premeditated attack, and incredibly brutal. She slit his throat and stabbed him dozens of times all over his body. There were defensive wounds on his hands. He was likely alive for several minutes as he was being murdered, until finally, she shot him in the head. As he was being murdered, he would have seen the blows coming, see her face as she did it. Did he beg for his life, or did he wonder why she would do this? She apparently enjoyed the power she had to kill him, as she took photos of his dying body.
And during the trial, she continued to violate him: she concocted several false stories about him being abusive, a sexual deviant, a pedophile. All were proven false. She showed no remorse and had no problem inflicting more pain on his friends and family. She is truly psychopathic.
It was also interesting to see how the media covered this. They ran with her defense, that she was an abused partner, and never corrected it. I remember a commentator lamenting that her conviction would make other victims of domestic violence less likely to come forward. To be clear, she was not the victim of domestic violence, she was the perpetrator of domestic violence, in just about every form imaginable up to and including murder. But in our society, men’s lives have no value, and women’s lives have infinite value, and so this will remain his legacy. Even the media coverage reflects this: Jodi is much more well known than the victim she is famous for killing.
She even had the audacity to create t-shirts about ending domestic violence!
I watched as much news coverage as I could and read several books on the crime, and had butterflies in my stomach the entire time as I contemplated the crime. I was scared at my obsession and the new thoughts that it produced. I imagined what it would be like to live with someone and be in a constant state of fear. To be constantly trying to appease her even knowing that some day, somehow, she will murder me. I found these thoughts to be terribly exciting.
I basically became one of those sick people who fall in love with serial killers. I researched how to write to her in jail, and how to send her money in jail, although I haven’t used this information yet.
Why am I so drawn to female evil? Why do I find cruelty so appealing?