M just left after our first weekend together. It was a perfect weekend, filled with laughter as well as cries of pain. My body is covered with scratches and bruises from Mommy. I look in the mirror, and I plainly see what an ugly monster I am.
Preparing for her arrival was stressful. There was a lot to remember, and everything had to be timed perfectly. The pressure threatened to take me out of a submissive state. Fortunately, everything ended up falling into place as planned, and when she arrived, her presence both excited and calmed me.
I served her meal while I stayed on my knees on the floor beside her, hands bound behind my back. She eventually allowed me to eat when she was done. I wore a tie that she could use to grab me, even when I was otherwise naked.
We spent a lot of time laughing in public. She has a wonderful, infectious laugh, and she seems to think I am funny. We went out for drinks at a local pub a few doors down. We sat outside the pub and talked, then returned to my house for more drinks and a fire outdoors. The next day, I made her a bubble bath, and we napped at one point. We had several large rich meals out, and I showed her around my town. We spent time listening to music, taking turns introducing each other to new performers and sounds.
Everywhere we went, we laughed and had fun. I promised her that even though I have all these ugly, dark thoughts, I am also a lot of fun to spend time with, and I think I proved that. Mommy says I need to be the perfect boyfriend in public, and I think I was that, and it was genuine. One woman told us that we were "an adorable couple" which made Mommy very happy.
In private, M worked on my mind and body. Like every other dominant woman I’ve known, she is fascinated with inflicting physical pain. In the past, I would try to escape and end such treatment, but she took me to the edge and just a bit over, repeatedly, and reinforced it by rubbing my cock and telling me that I was Mommy’s good little boy and that Mommy hurts her little boy to show him how much she cares. Even though I still felt a strong aversion to the pain, and I still screamed and thrashed around from it, I didn’t try to escape or stop it. Mentally, I have finally found a place where I can accept that this must happen to me whether I like it or not, and I just have to take it and deal with it. The purpose of my body is to take punishment, take painful beatings, and toil for my Mommy. I like that Mommy gets wet when she hears me scream in pain, and I am glad I can fulfill that desire for her. It felt good to know that I had made more progress going further into the darkness. I had reached a milestone.
Prior to this weekend, we had talked about my aversion to physical pain, and M repeatedly promised that she would never hurt me physically, but that is what she did the most over the weekend during our private moments. I like that I can’t reliably know what is going to happen to me. I am not the one in control, and I don’t want to do or say anything to influence Mommy. The excitement of the fear is intoxicating. My emotions and concerns are nothing compared to her desires. I like being afraid of her, and not knowing what will be next. And I like that despite thinking that I didn’t like the pain, I became hard whenever she inflicted it. Am I a masochist after all? I like that I was able to take it for her, and it gives me hope that I can someday take severe beatings in the same way. M is doing what no other woman has done for me: train me to be a better slave.
M worked on my mind too. Its impossible to know how much of it was said simply to scare me, and how much of it could be in my future, and within that gap is where my mind longs to be. The butterflies in my stomach are overwhelming me. And I don’t think M can know how far she will go either. I think if she enters the darkness with me, she may find it pulling her in further like it has with me, and she may come to be perfectly capable of things she can’t imagine today, just as I have. Who knows how much further we will go?
Right now, I have a strange mixture of emotions as I try to process the weekend. I am happy that I was a good wife and a good punching bag for Mommy. I am scared and excited to know that I am entering new territory, going deeper into the darkness, and for who knows how much farther. I don’t know what I will be like on the other side, but I think I am ready to move forward no matter what. I think this is going to be a very memorable Summer.