I have been told that I can enter "subspace" instantly with a small dominant gesture. It seems to be true. I react to my Master’s demeanor, and if she grabs my throat without warning, my mind shuts off, and I am instantly in a different reality, one with incredible mental clarity that words could only inhibit.

Sometimes in that state, M will ask me what I want, or what I think about something. But in that state, I can’t want anything. In that state, there are no thoughts. Everything falls away but the bare, immediate moment. There is no thinking, only feeling, reacting. I am no longer a person with his own thoughts and desires, I am a tool for Mommy to use to fulfill her desires. Words cannot describe the state adequately. When she asks what I’m thinking, I have to shrug, because I am not thinking. She asks for an opinion, and often the best and most honest response I can muster is "I don’t know." This seems to frustrate her, but I honestly can’t think of myself in that moment, and to come up with an adequate reply would mean surfacing, leaving that space I long to be, to engage my mind again and try to answer her.

Even if I could speak thoughts and opinions, doing so would take control from my Master because it would influence her actions. Lack of control brings me peace, even when I am taken places I would never choose to go myself, I am carried along, I have no will of my own left, and I accept whatever happens without judgment.

The darkness, beneath the surface of life, is such an empty and peaceful place. I want to go there, stay there.

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