In a few weeks, Mommy and her slave are going on a small road trip to visit her family and friends. I am both excited and scared by it.
She told me that she needs me to work out my arms and get them bigger so she can show me off as a trophy to her friends. It gave me butterflies and a warm rush to be told what to do, to be told that I will be her pretty trophy, to be treated like this is my only value.
Her friends and family sound very intimidating, and I don’t know if my public mask is strong enough to maintain itself in their presence. Mommy says that she is used to strong men, not nerdy, wimpy men like me. Maybe they will already know my secret, and treat me accordingly. The most I can hope for is that they will treat me with a baseline level of respect, out of their respect for Mommy. I hope I don’t embarrass her.
Mommy told me that at some point, she will blindfold me and take me into the woods, where…something will happen. I don’t know what, she won’t say what. This is incredibly frightening to me. Mommy and I just met. I will be alone with someone who I really don’t know very well, with no idea where I am, in the dark, helpless in the woods, for who knows what purpose.
If she wants to kill me, there is nothing I can do to stop it or escape. Once the journey to the woods begins, there is no stopping it, no matter where it leads. I will be bound and blindfolded, and I won’t know where I am. Nobody I know will know that I have even left my home, let alone where I have gone. Because of Mommy’s work, she could easily kill me, hide my body, cover up her tracks, and I would never be found. My disappearance would be an unsolved mystery that nobody would even care to wonder about.
Thinking about the woods makes me feel weak. Mommy assures me that she will be there protecting me so I don’t get hurt too badly, but that is all she will tell me. I ask questions, but she just says "you’ll see." I am worried that it will be more than I can handle right now. I am worried about being physically hurt, but more than anything, I worry that I will be psychologically damaged in a way that I am not prepared to handle. Sometimes I feel like my grasp on sanity is so weak and that the smallest tug will make me let it go. Will I recover enough from the weekend to return to work and be somewhat functional?
She has said: "remember, this is what you wanted." But wanting it doesn’t mean that I’m not still terrified at the thought of what "it" might be.
But I don’t want Mommy to hold back or to worry about me afterward either. I’m not worth worrying about. If I am catatonic afterward, I hope she doesn’t regret making me that way. I have always recovered in the past, and hopefully I will again. Sometimes Mommy asks me how I’m feeling, if I am OK; she still doesn’t understand that it doesn’t matter if I am OK, I don’t even know what being OK means. She sometimes apologizes for things, and I try to assure her that no matter what she does, no matter the consequences, she never has to apologize. That is a privilege that humans have, not creatures like me.
Mommy still worries about what I need, but I hope she will forget that in time. What I need is to be treated like my needs don’t matter, because I know the truth that they don’t, and hopefully she will see that too in time. I am an unthinking animal, and its actually a sweet relief to not be treated as a human. Its a relief to not be burdened by dignity and the respect of others. I am not human. I can just exist in the moment with no will of my own. This is peace to me.
To survive the weekend, I will have to remind myself that I am Mommy’s property. I am a thing for her to use. I am just a slab of meat that she will carry with her into the woods. She will use me as she sees fit, and I will float along beside her, not quite human. I will try to accept all that happens without resistance.
Mommy could have sprung this on me without warning, blindfolding me and taking me into the woods without telling me beforehand, and I wouldn’t know what is happening until an instant after it happens. This would be incredibly terrifying, although perhaps not at first. I wouldn’t know how deep we were going until we went there, and then I would be faced with the horror that I can’t escape. But she did tell me, terrifying me now, and its all I can think about, with a mixture of excitement and dread. I am imagining many possibilities, but she assures me that what will happen is something I can’t even imagine. Just writing about it now makes my muscles weak. When the time comes, will I even be strong enough to walk into the woods under my own power?
The thought that my terror and distress might be exciting to these women grips my mind too. How heartless and cruel they must be to enjoy such incredible suffering. I am powerless to resist women like this. I find that heartlessness and cruelty to be so immensely attractive. I think I would go with them into the woods even if I knew they were going to murder me.