I am trying to come to terms with the knowledge that the dark part of me is me. Its the natural state for me to be. It was how I was born, it is how I have lived, and it is the place I always return to.
This is why I protect it, and why I nurture it. Its the only home I’ve ever known. Its the only home I have. If I didn’t have these dark, twisted thoughts I would be lost. I would not know who I am. That is more terrifying than the darkness.
The public mask I wear is just an adaptation to survive in the other world where all the others live. I do envy them. Their world is so beautiful, and they live so easily in it. But as hard as I might try, as much as I might want it, I cannot survive in that world.
I have tried to live in the other world and I simply can’t. I’ve tried to shun the darkness and I simply can’t. I have tried to push the mask into my face, but it won’t stay, and its such a relief when I can remove it.
People I meet from the other world can sense that I am different. I don’t listen to their music, watch their television, read their news. Why would I be interested in these things? Those things belong to a world that I do not belong to. How can I explain that to them so that they understand?
The others are hostile, violent people. If they knew of the existence of my world, if they knew who I really am, they would try to destroy me. Theirs is the only world that is allowed to exist.
Even visiting my family on holidays, I am very aware that I am not one of them. While they are happy watching gifts being opened at Christmas, I watch from the outside, and I am sad that I can’t have the experience that they are enjoying so much.
The others can have friends, family, lovers. But there is nobody else in my world to even talk to.