M says that she is a healer by nature, and she doesn’t want me to feel ashamed of myself anymore. But I don’t know who I am without this shame. Its my strongest emotion, its constantly with me, it forces me to see myself as I truly am. I need to see myself as I truly am, or else I am just lying to myself and then living that lie.
When I think of my childhood, or any point in my life for that matter, its the times I feel lowest that have stuck in my mind, and vividly. I can go back to each of those times and feel the same emotions again, burning almost as hot as the first time. I can’t seem to stop going back to those memories and reliving those moments, those emotions. Often when I am alone and I relive one of these moments, I will involuntarily yell out in anguish. I worry that I might do this in public someday.
All I really need is understanding, which M already gives me. And I need her control, which she is slowly taking. I don’t know if she realizes that my submission is not just something I bring to the relationship, its something she also has quite a bit of control over. As she takes more control of me, the more submissive I feel, and the easier it is for me to give up even more control.
She has the power to greatly deepen my submissive nature, and the main way of doing this is to exploit my fears, insecurities and negative emotions. Nurture these aspects of me and then use them against me, manipulating me. I am not a confident person; destroy my self confidence further. I have low self-esteem; lower it more. When I am sad, make me feel despair. Remind me of why I should feel deep shame about myself. Make me afraid of you and what you might do to me. Make me feel worthless. Make me miserable. All these things will push me deeper into the darkness and make me more dependent on her for my own emotional well-being. What I no longer have I must borrow from her. I am lost when not in her presence.
The deeper my submissive nature, the more devoted I will be, the more I will love her, the harder I will strive to serve her. I will be more open to extreme mistreatment. Things I can’t imagine doing today, she can make me do after she pushes me further into darkness.
I don’t think M quite grasps yet that the more she mistreats me, the crueler she is to me, the more she hurts me, the deeper my feelings for her will be. Balance these things with tenderness, and I will be manipulated into being completely dependent on her. Something inside my brain is broken. What most people avoid, and would try to escape, I embrace. Most people respond to love with love and to hate with hate, but I respond to both with love and devotion in different ways. I am broken, and I cannot be fixed. I am too far gone. All I can do is try to be as broken as possible.
Maybe that is really the crux of my struggle now: I have reached the limits of how much I can damage myself. Maybe the inability to move further on my own is what keeps me awake at night? I need someone else to help damage me further.
I think I am slowly pulling M into the darkness with me. She sees it too. I hope that she doesn’t regret it. Once you enter the darkness, your world changes, and it is difficult to escape. Once you go far enough, you forget the world can be any different, escape no longer has meaning, and eventually, escape is impossible.
M is very different from any other woman I have been with. She is very much in tune with my emotions. She knows what I am feeling and how to respond to it. My feelings for her are very different from my feelings with other women in the past, and it feels more right. She is the first truly dominant woman I have been with, and I am responding to that naturally, like I have finally found a soft, warm home to feel safe in. I am falling hard for her, and my mind is being squeezed by her grip.
M is not completely dominant any more than I am completely submissive. But I think she has the capacity to take more control, use more force, etc. over time. I don’t think she has ever met a person like me either. Someone who will tolerate abuse and ask for more. Right now, her behavior is limited by social conditioning of what is ethical, but I think that once she realizes these boundaries don’t exist with me, she will start to push beyond them. I wonder if that will scare her, if she will start to think that she is becoming a monster too. Or maybe she will revel in the freedom to do things with me that are taboo among normal people.
I think it will take her time to descend to the depths of darkness I inhabit. But once she joins me there, we can continue going deeper together.