Tonight is a date night with M. Its been less than a week since we’ve seen each other, but it feels much longer than that. We are both eager to be together again.
We live a little over an hour from each other, so on weeknight dates, we meet halfway in a town that neither of us is very familiar with, but we’ve been exploring it together. Mommy says I have been doing a good job planning for these dates, which makes me feel good. This town is small with not much going on or many dining options, so finding something that will please Mommy is not easy.
Mommy told me that starting on this date, I am not allowed to order food or drinks other than water. She will be ordering from now on, although she did say I could look at the menu and tell her what I want, and I am assuming she will order what I say I want, but I guess I don’t know that for sure. Its a small gesture, but a surprisingly powerful one. This new rule fills me with a mixture of emotions, just like most things she does. It gives me a thrill, it makes me feel small, it makes me feel safe and cared for, and it makes my stomach queasy to anticipate the humiliation of this act when it happens.
The thrill comes from the fact that Mommy just made this a rule and didn’t consult me, or ask if it was OK with me. If she had, I might have resisted, because even though I want her to control me, it means giving up my control, and that is still a scary thing to contemplate. It means putting trust in her and letting go of this life line I have always held on to. But in this case, she has relieved me of the burden to decide to give up this control, and I just have to accept it and deal with it. Giving up control is comforting too, and being forced to give up control is very exciting.
I do think about the fact that this might brush up against my hardest limit: for us to act like a normal couple in public, so that my secret is kept hidden. But we will be out of town on our date, and I have explicitly allowed for exceptions in such cases. And maybe I am making too much of this anyway. Maybe nobody would take much note of this arrangement, and even if they did, they probably couldn’t guess what is behind it. So I think we could do this in my home town too, although I might feel conspicuous, maybe I am just being overly paranoid about it.
And Mommy seems eager to demonstrate her dominance in public for others to see, which I guess I can understand. It makes her feel powerful and good to exercise her power openly. She talked about how she replays the moment we met up on our last date: I arrived at the bar first and ordered drinks for her, and then she entered, taking long swift strides over to the bar, and then grabbed me and kissed me hard. If this is what she needs, I need to try to accommodate her as much as possible.
Mommy keeps saying that I need to be patient with her while she learns. But she has already surpassed my expectations and taken control more than any self-described "dominant" woman I have been with in the past. And I am certainly no expert in these matters, I am learning too. But Mommy seems to be manipulating me and our relationship perfectly. She is slowly but firmly taking control more and more over time. I never know what will be next, just that it will be exciting, and just knowing that is exciting too.
She wants to start slowly, which is perfectly fine with me. And she wants to progress over time, which is exactly what I need: to go deeper and deeper over time without even realizing how far I have gone. By progressively escalating over time, every day becomes a new and unexpected adventure. She is giving me exactly what I need, and I hope I can do the same for her.
So, this small gesture is perfect right now. She is exerting control, and she is doing it without my input. I am constantly off guard and struggle to keep up, but its a good kind of struggle. Such a small gesture, but such powerful effects. It becomes so much more significant as I turn it over and over in my mind. She has gotten inside my head, and even though she is far away, I can feel her controlling presence deep within me, she continues to take over my mind even when we aren’t together. I think of her constantly.