Last night, I had another perfect date with M. We began by going to a local Italian bakery and picking out cannolis and eclairs for later. Then we went to the restaurant, which is in an old house in a residential neighborhood, so that going there felt like we knew a secret. Inside was like stepping back in time to the 1930’s, and the food was delicious. We ended the night dancing at the bar we danced at last week. Throughout, we laughed, we kissed, we stared into each other’s eyes.
I feel like we have a deepening connection, and it seemed to grow right before our eyes. Mommy asked me what I was feeling, but its hard for me to articulate. And when I look into her eyes, I am lost in the moment and not thinking, and in some ways, barely feeling, I am just existing, and in my mind, I feel like I am leaving my body behind and traveling into her eyes. I stop sensing that I am a person that exists apart from that gaze.
I said I would try to write out my feelings on my blog, so I would have time to try to articulate my feelings better. Mommy is the only person I have told about my blog so far, and I told her about it early on, daring her to see my most intimate and horrifying thoughts. She said that she thinks my darkness is beautiful, and that makes me feel good even though I don’t understand it. She also told her friend about my blog, the one that I will be traveling into the woods with, and she revealed that they both read my blog entries and then comment on them to each other after. I didn’t know this was happening, and I began to imagine what they might say to each other. Mommy says that my blog is like an owner’s manual to my mind, and I often write to her through this blog, knowing she is my only audience. She says they are like little love letters to her, and I suppose that’s exactly what they are.
As she said she would, Mommy ordered for me at the restaurant. She made a point of enunciating "he will have…" and "he would like…" to the waitress. By the look on her face, our waitress thought this was unusual, and when I asked Mommy what she thought the waitress was thinking, she looked at me squarely and said "that you’re a little bitch." By the end of the meal, the waitress would come to the table with her back to me and talk only to Mommy, like I wasn’t even there. Even when I paid, the waitress reached behind her to pick up my credit card while talking to Mommy. I was invisible.
Ordering for me made me feel a little awkward at first. It made it a little easier that it was a woman waiting on us, as I am used to feeling small around women. It certainly made me feel small, but it also made me feel special to Mommy and cared for by her, and I think I got used to this new dynamic pretty quickly. Mommy said that she would only do this when we are out of town, but I told her I was open to her doing it everywhere. Sometimes I just need time to get used to an idea before my resistance to the change fades.
In general, when we are out, Mommy is assertive in a way that you never see in others. When we move through a crowd, she leads the way, pulling me behind by the hand, and very emphatically says "excuse me!" to anyone in her way. When she does this, the people, men and women, will look at her with surprise, but they always move. The reactions of women to this are especially interesting, as the look they give is both surprised and quite visibly annoyed, whereas men just look at her in acknowledgment and move. I can’t help but giggle a little when she does this, because of the momentary awkwardness she leaves in her wake. The people who move will often look at me after they look at Mommy, and you can tell that for a second, they are trying to figure out what is happening, before they return to their party.
Mommy asked if her assertiveness embarrasses me, and I said of course not. And of course, we both know that it wouldn’t matter if it did. It is a little awkward, because you never see people be that assertive in general, men included, and when Mommy does it, it is noticed. But I will just have to deal with it, and adjust, and I think I already have.
Last night, I reported back to Mommy that following a request of her’s, I purchased new hand towels and natural hand soap in a pump for each bathroom in my home, just for her. I also went online to order a jug of soap refills for them, and I ordered replacement bulbs for my Scentsy that she likes, so that there is no danger of it going out while she is visiting. This seemed to please Mommy, which made me feel good about myself.
Mommy always takes such good care of me. My feelings for her continue to grow. She is constantly on my mind.