A few days ago, I fell into a dark pit of despair that I felt powerless to climb out of.
It began when M left Sunday. It had been raining all day as we were out together. Then when she left the sun came out, and stayed out the rest of the day. After the rain, the sunshine beckoned, but without M, there was really nothing for me to do. Then I realized that that evening there would be another concert in the outdoor pavilion we danced at the night before. I was so thoroughly forlorn wishing that she and I could run out the door to that place again.
The next day, something I wrote in my blog angered M. And as we messaged throughout the day, I struggled to make it better, unsuccessfully. I had let her down, but I didn’t understand why. After a time, it fatigued me, my body felt exhausted so that when I got home, all I could do was lie down in bed.
Yet as exhausted as I was, I couldn’t sleep, turning over the events of the day, trying to figure it all out. The hours slipped away. I kept thinking I need to stop this and sleep. If I go to sleep now, I can still get 6 hours. Then 5. And so on, the night continued like this as I stared at the ceiling. Finally I was bargaining with God to just let me go to sleep, and I prayed that I never wake up again. But I am never let off the hook that easily.
I did get a few hours of sleep eventually, and I woke up to a world that was muted, flat, drained of color, gray and out of focus. Nothing in that world mattered. I felt it could all be destroyed so effortlessly. When I get this way, I can be very self-destructive.
Eventually M brought me back out of that place. I had worried her when I hadn’t text her goodnight. She was angry at me for that too, but she also told me how much I meant to her. It took most of the next day, but I eventually emerged again. Such is the power she now has over me, to give and to take away.