I have a co-worker who is a friend that I talk to sometimes. Although she doesn’t know my secret, I think that she knows I am unusual in some way. I think that she knows that the person I present myself as is just the tip of some iceberg, even if she doesn’t know what’s beneath the surface.
She once told me that my boss had told her that he thought I was a "very dark" person. This was after I was given a certificate recognizing how long I had worked at this place. It was meant to be a positive gesture, but I just looked at it and said "that’s nothing to be proud of." And it wasn’t. I had so many advantages in life and so much promise, and I squandered them all. I allowed my soul to be corrupted, and I helped to corrupt it. I’ve accomplished so little with this life.
That my boss thought I was "very dark" surprised me, and it made me realize that I am not completely hiding as well as I should. I’ve always been told that I wear my emotions on my face. I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings even when I try. I have to remember to be flat, to press myself against the wall, show no emotions at all, positive or negative.
But I also found the situation amusing. He has no idea just how dark I am. If he did, he would be horrified, as any decent person would be. Knowing that I live my entire life in a place that he couldn’t stand to even look into for an instant gave me some feeling of strength and self-esteem.
After all, most people in such a dark place for so long, with no hope of escape would rather die than continue on. But I continue on. I even go deeper. I suppose I want to die too, but just not as quickly. I want to suffer and be destroyed completely.
I don’t really know why my mind is so warped to think these things. I know that outwardly, it looks like I "want" these things. But that’s not really true. I don’t really want these things per se. I need them, whether I want them or not is irrelevant. I won’t feel like a whole person until I find the bottom of this pit and finally die from the impact. Its not the fall that kills you, its the impact. Until then, I am alive, still falling, gaining speed the further I go, and the harder the final impact, the more my existence will be obliterated.