Being with M feels so good and natural, and being away from her makes me miss her terribly, and it scares me a little to think that I’ve come to rely on her presence so much.
She asked me if I was disappointed by the walk in the woods. Nothing could be further from the truth. It was exactly what I needed at that time, and it was exactly what she was prepared to do then too. Although I have extreme thoughts, and I want to move toward realizing them, the truth is that this is all new to me too, and I probably can’t emotionally handle much more than what we are doing right now. Eventually, we will both do more I’m sure, but we will move ahead together, progressing into the darkness, and we will always have more to look forward to.
At one point this past weekend, we were cuddling in the morning and she mentioned that she has started thinking often about taking care of me like I am her child. I like that too. Its funny to think how averse she was when I started calling her "mommy." I think she has surprised herself too.
As we drove around the small communities, looking at houses, we talked about what we liked and how our future home might be. A long driveway, secluded, so I could be naked outside too. I suggested that to deter hikers, etc. from stumbling onto the property, we could fence in the area, and that in fact, it would be as much to keep me in as keep others out. And then she suggested that I be shackled at the ankle to keep me within a certain distance of home at all times. As we talked about these things, it was hard to know whether either of us was just joking, or wishing, or even planning.
She says that I am doing well with my training, and she is enjoying molding me to what she wants. I am doing better at showing affection, although I can do more. I have spent so much time in my life inside my head that it often doesn’t occur to me to interact with others the way normal people do. For example, sometimes just thinking of saying something to someone is enough for me that I don’t feel compelled to actually say it, and by the time I might think to say it, I have already missed my opportunity. There is my world and the other world. Only thought exists in my world, and they are disconnected from my actions that only exist in the other world. I might think of how nice it would be to kiss M, but to act, I need to have a second thought: to actually kiss her, and that second thought may not occur to me as I am lost in the thought of how nice it would be to kiss her. And then I would have other thoughts like, what if she doesn’t want to be kissed right now? I am naturally passive and don’t like to impose myself on others. I know she doesn’t understand this and sometimes feels rejected by me, but nothing could be further from the truth. I think this is also why I sometimes can’t answer her questions that seem so simple to her. My thoughts are clear to me, but I struggle to verbalize them for others.
That said, I also do conscious things for her to show her how much I care, even if they aren’t obviously affectionate. There is a book called The Five Love Languages that suggests that we all have one of five ways in which we primarily express love, and one of those five ways in which we primarily feel loved. I definitely use acts of service to express affection, even if M doesn’t see it. For example, I clean my house and mow my lawn before she visits so everything is nice for her. I try to listen for things that she wants or likes so I can provide those for her.
As for receiving affection, I think I value quality time with her the most. I feel like I can’t be happy for myself, but instead I am happy when I have made Mommy happy. For example, she wants me to be a good wife and entertain guests in her home, and as much as I am not comfortable with interacting with others, I would gladly do it because she wants it. Sexually, I enjoy giving her orgasms much more than I like having them myself. I feel good about myself knowing that I am making her feel good.
As she was driving us home from the weekend, she had me take her phone and read the text messages she was exchanging with her new male friend. It was clear that he is very sexually attracted to her. She has mentioned to him that she is available despite having a boyfriend, but hasn’t gotten into the particulars yet, so that he thinks we have an open relationship. Then she had me text him, dictating to me, setting up a date between them. It was so thrilling, my cock straining so hard in my cage, squirming, and feeling a knot in my stomach.
She is still hung up on old ideas she has been socialized with, that she is doing something wrong by talking to this man, although she did say that she liked making me text him. So, I think that eventually she will come to understand this dynamic the way I do. She worries about being promiscuous, and keeps saying that she’s not a slut. She says that she may never be able to be with someone else, and that she wants to build something with me. But I tell her she doesn’t have to choose, she can have both. She is a beautiful woman, desired by many men, why shouldn’t she use them all to please her anytime, anyway she wants. Its not being promiscuous or slutty, it is being powerful and exercising her power over men. And most of all, she is exercising power over me, because she knows that no matter what she does, with however many men, she will always have her little wife to come home to. And I will get her a glass of wine and massage her feet as she tells me all the ways those men please her, all the ways I can’t. And if I am lucky, she will let me touch with my tongue what other men get to touch with their hard cocks.
The fact that she liked me texting him leads me to believe that in time, she will get used to and even come to embrace these ideas. I think she still thinks that hurting me is a bad thing. But the pain she inflicts makes me feel closer to her just as her affection does. I hope that she also feel closer to me by causing my pain. I would be so lucky to be the wife of someone so desired. My relationship with her would always be special.
She is already starting to not think of me as a capable adult, but a helpless, lost child. And it is clear that I am the woman in the relationship, and she talks about how nice it would be to come home to her little wife.
I thought of her male friend again this morning as I was driving into work. Electrical crews were on the road putting up new wire. There was a man in a bucket high up, doing his job, and my first thought was that that must be interesting work. Then I saw how swiftly and expertly he strung the wire in the middle of the road while all traffic waited. And I thought to myself: that is a man. And the world runs only as long as men like this run it. They build and repair our homes. They bring electricity and water into our homes. They protect us from fire and crime. They protect us from foreign aggressors. They sacrifice themselves so the rest of us can live comfortably, without sacrifice. I am not one of these men. But M is, and so is her new friend. I understand why she is attracted to him, and I understand that he can give her things that I can’t even imagine.