I received the nicest email from Mommy yesterday, in which she said: "I am so blessed to have met you and have you in my life." I could say the same of course, even much more so.
Prior to meeting M, I was trying to date again, and on the one hand, I was enjoying meeting people and getting out of the house, but on the other hand, I dreaded the moment when I would have to decide to tell them my secret and likely end things, or not tell them and end things. Dreading this moment tormented me, and as I have at other times in the past, I decended into a very dark pit of despair.
Then I found M. I sensed something about her, something I thought I was picking up from her photos, so I decided to tell her my secret up-front before we even met, in our initial exchange of messages. I said something like "I like aggressive, dominant women" to which she said something like "I am quite dominant." And so it went from there.
In the past, most of the women who I have told my secret to have said that its OK, and generally let me off the hook. But they don’t embrace this revelation either, and instead tried to keep going as if these desires didn’t exist. And of course, even in M’s case, I had to try to slowly convey the depth of these desires. M is one of the rare women I have met who did embrace this side of me, and was willing to go along with me to the depths of my mind.
Only a week before contacting M initially, I started this blog as a way to try to get my obsessive thoughts out of my head, and to think about them more clearly by writing them down. After we met, I decided to let her know about it, so she could read it and see what is truly inside of me and then decide if it was too much for her. She read the few entries I had, and responded saying that she thought it was "beautiful". She still tells me "your darkness is beautiful." Its hard for me to understand how she can think this, but then, its probably hard for her to understand the way I think too.
So far, M is the only one I have told about this blog, and in many ways, I write this for her now. Writing gives me time to reflect on my feelings and try to convey them to her better than I can in person. It allows me to try to explain myself to her so she knows me better. She reads this blog every day and refers to it as an "owner’s manual" to my mind.
M has accepted me completely, which is a very new feeling for me. Her affection and willingness to go with me to these dark places has given me strength. She has brought me out of my pit of despair and given me hope for the future. Even though we have known each other only a little over a month, she knows my inner world better than anyone ever has, and I feel very close to her already.
We are able to have fun in the present, plan for the future and in general, explore the darkness together. I have been searching for her for so long, and I feared that I would never find her.