M has said that she wants me to work on improving my confidence, and while it may not be considered politically correct to say so, high, or even, healthy levels of self-confidence are inconsistent with a submissive orientation. I say this based on my own experience as well as what I have witnessed in others.

Its a chicken and egg question, but suffice to say that there is a vicious cycle between the desire to submit on the one hand and negative emotions and poor self image on the other. One leads to the other and the other leads back again in an accelerating downward spiral.

Here are examples of characteristics that are created from a desire to submit and in turn, create a deeper desire to submit:

  • low self-confidence
  • low self-esteem, low self-worth
  • shame
  • guilt
  • fear
  • despair, hopelessness and profound sadness
  • self-hatred

This may be an unpleasant truth to face initially, but it is true nonetheless.

The path of least resistance for me is to not have healthy self-confidence or self-esteem, but to find worth through submission to another. I have tried and failed to fix myself, so now I am trying to embrace who I really am. In recent years, I have decided that I don’t want to expend the enormous effort needed to try to be a whole person, and that the cost of trying to be a whole person–the loss of my desire to submit–is too high a price to pay.

I want to go deeper, I am trying to go deeper, to submit more. And I know that this will mean that my self-confidence and self-esteem will be obliterated in the process. M has the power to damage me, and by damaging me, she controls me. This may be the only peace I will ever find.

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