Mommy is staying with me for a week and a half between apartments, and we are having a lot of fun. We are able to have more time together, and we both like playing "house" like I am her little wife. I have been looking after the house and trying to fulfill her emotional and sexual needs. I have been trying to make fun plans for the two of us when we go out, and I always try to have at least one backup plan ready if needed.
My chastity cage is back on, and Mommy and I got matching steel bracelets, which she is particularly excited about. They screw together with Allen wrenches and each has a discreet message engraved on the inside of it. Mine says "Mommy’s Toy."
I wore the bracelet to work for the first time yesterday, although I felt pretty conspicuous with it. But I guess that’s all in my mind. A bigger issue might be that the screw does not tighten, and can come right out the other side. After only 12 hours of wearing it, the screw had worked itself halfway out.
Then Mommy told me something that excited me very much and has my mind racing: she has been talking to a new man, and he is also submissive. She showed me his picture, and mentioned how good looking he was. She also texted him throughout our dinner out last night, occasionally showing me the exchange if she thought something interesting was said. She wants to Skype with him next, and then if that goes well, meet for him for dinner. She has said that I will be driving her to that dinner and waiting and watching from a distance.
That alone will be incredibly humiliating, and I don’t know what Mommy might have planned for me and this man in the future. She said that she did make it clear to this man that I was her #1 priority, which was nice to hear.
This new situation has made me reflect on how my ideas of sex have changed over the years. I have always had crippling shyness, and didn’t have my first girlfriend until I was 17. And even after that, I went through many years-long periods where I was alone and never dated. Its only in the past few years that I have been able to figure out how to date consistently, and then, I’m only able to do it because of online dating. If that didn’t exist, I would still be alone.
Because of my shyness, my submissiveness, and a minor medical condition, I really haven’t had much penetrative sex in my life. Over the years, I have come to view orgasms as something that happens when I am alone, and as a result, it has some mildly negative emotions associated with it. I have come to believe that whereas most men have sex primarily through their penises, I must have sex primarily through my mouth, and so, I have come to really genuinely love licking a woman’s pussy and ass. Penetrative sex doesn’t interest me much anymore. Mommy has noted that as much as I think about sex, I am very bad at actually fucking. And that is another reason for encouraging her to cuckold me: I want her to be fulfilled and have the kind of sex she needs, that I am unable to provide.
Another example: When I first learned about orgasm denial, I couldn’t imagine being able to bear it. At the time, I was used to having multiple orgasms every day. But gradually, my conception of what sex is has evolved, and I now see denial as an essential element of controlling me. Two things that feed directly into my submission are my high libido and its frustration. I could now imagine that there may come a time when I will be locked up, teased and edged at times, but never again allowed to orgasm, and as difficult as that will be, it will enslave my mind and give me fulfillment that all the orgasms in the world could not match.
I know that the hornier and more frustrated I am, the more punishment and suffering I am able to endure and even come to need. Mommy recently suggested that she would have sex with another man who would cum inside her, and would I clean her out with my tongue after? I have never done this before and its something I could not have even imagined just a few short years ago. I probably would have said at the time that that it was a "hard limit." But now I know that in that moment, if Mommy asked, I would do it. And my hope is that even if I were weak and tried to resist, she would force me to do it anyway. It is my place to serve, and if I fail to serve, I fail as a person.
That’s the thing about submission: the actual acts you participate in, you may not enjoy, you may even hate, but you do them because they are in the larger context of being controlled and forced to do it, which is the real payoff for the submissive. You do them because your master wants them, and you want to fulfill your master’s needs, and you also realize that your needs and desires are unimportant by comparison, and that in the end, you really have no choice. So, in many ways, the more I dislike something I am forced to do, the better the overall experience. That’s a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around sometimes. And taken to further and further extremes, this is how someone can become permanently broken, defeated, the perfect slave.
And so, my perceptions of sex and my role in a D/s relationship continue to evolve. I never thought about the idea of being one of many slaves to my master, but now that I am faced with this possibility for the first time, I accept it, and even think that it could be very fulfilling for me. It would be a humiliating situation that would feed directly into my insecurities, making me more submissive and more devoted to my master. I would not only be a lowly slave, but I would just be one of many such lowly slaves, and so, I would not even be special that way. As a result, my interactions with my master would take on new, greater significance. And I would come to rely on the other slaves too, because I know that alone, I could probably not satisfy all my master’s needs.
I used to think that anything involving another man was a "hard limit" for me, but that is no longer true. Although I don’t find men sexually attractive, I believe that I am capable of interacting with a man sexually in some way if my master wanted it and forced me to do it. And who knows? There have been times when I was forced to do something, literally without consent, that afterward, I came to enjoy and seek out. Maybe this would be one of those times? And if not, it wouldn’t matter anyway. I am a pathetic slave, and I deserve to suffer.
A few years ago, a woman I was dating who was interested in dominating me suggested that we have a threesome with another man. Even though she said that we would not have sexual contact with each other, I resisted. But I think that if we were still together today, and she asked me to do this again, I would agree, and I think I would agree even if there were to be sexual contact. I now understand that it is selfish of me to resist, and that I should not have a choice in these matters.
This is probably a natural evolution. I began my life fantasizing about being dominated by a powerful woman. Then, naturally, I thought about multiple women using me, ridiculing me, even gang raping me. I fantasized about being owned by one woman who might loan me out to other women, say, to do their house chores naked. Then came the more focused cuckolding fantasies. Which would I enjoy more: suffering home alone while my master is on a date, wondering what she is doing, or would I rather watch her be pleasured by a man in a way that I couldn’t? And then I started thinking about the man dominating me too. What if my master asked her lover to beat me before fucking her? She would watch me get hit, hear me scream in terror, and she would get sexually aroused by watching my suffering. The man would then take his prize and give her an incredibly more intense orgasm than she would have otherwise, as she watches me curled up on the ground, bruised and bleeding, crying.
These are some of the extreme dark thoughts that kept me up last night, all started by Mommy talking with this new man. But of course, most of these extreme thoughts have never been realized, and may never be realized. I don’t know how much of these things I would actually be able to handle, but then, the only way to know your true limits is to step beyond them. The essence of training is to move those limits so that what I can’t handle today, I will tomorrow. I really don’t have much experience as a sub/slave after all. There are still many more things I haven’t done than I have done. A girl once had a feminization fantasy, and went so far as to buy me a dress to wear, but I never wore it, we never pursued this. Another girl, after I told her my secret said "oh, that means I can fuck you!" It took me a few seconds to realize that she meant "pegging" me, something we never did and something that I have never done with anyone else either. But now that I have gotten used to the possibility of doing these things, my resistance to them is fading.
Mommy says she wants to take things slow, and I am perfectly fine with that. We will have the time to explore, and I want us to keep progressing over time. I want there to always be new adventures that we can have together. I want to be taken up to, and past my limits, and I just want Mommy to know now that there is very little that is off limits to her even now, and I know that in the future, there will inevitably be even fewer.
Mommy says that she’s not sure she will ever be able to cuckold me, and that is OK too. There are no guarantees in life, and I understand this. I don’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want to do, and I wouldn’t want her to do something just because she thinks I want it. It wouldn’t be pleasurable for me unless I knew it was pleasurable for her too. But I will also hold out hope that over time, her own views of sex and relationships will evolve to embrace this and other things.
What Mommy and I are sharing is something that is all our own. Its not the kind of relationship that would fall within BDSM or any other label. We are striking out on our own, cutting our own path, and we are learning together, experiencing new things together for the first time for both of us. We are creating something unique that only we can understand.