Last night, M and I did something that I have been looking forward to sharing with her for some time now. We went on a dinner cruise on a large lake near our town. In addition to the meal, there was a full bar, and we had several cocktails and glasses of wine. A singer/guitarist was performing, and at one point, we went to the upper bow of the boat and watched the sun set over the water, and when it disappeared, we turned to see a vivid double rainbow over the town we were approaching to dock at again. Although it was sunny and clear where we were, we were approaching a storm over the town, and the rainbow popped out against the dark sky. Then, M pointed out that although the rainbow seemed to disappear in the middle, the other end was to the side of the boat opposite the sunset, right next to where we were. It was a very romantic evening that we both enjoyed thoroughly.

This morning, I was awakened to Mommy fondling my cage again, reaching a finger in to give me tiny strokes. I squirmed and whined again, still with my sleeping mask and ear plugs in. I took them off and M was hovering over me. She restrained my arms and legs, and then I heard the key come out. I began to whimper, both at the thought of the stimulation my body craved, and at the thought of the torment it would ultimately cause, unsure of my own deepest desires. I actually experienced a small amount of fear for what I knew was about to happen.

She told me that I had to get the main ring of my cage off, which could only happen if I wasn’t hard. So, we stopped for several minutes, while I concentrated as much as I could to get myself to go down. Finally, we were able to pry the ring off, and Mommy began stroking me. She turned on the Magic Wand and pressed it hard against my ass as her hand expertly worked on me.

Then, she went into the night stand and took out a condom, put it on me, and mounted me. Again, the thought of the ecstasy and the torment made me whimper. Although my cock was aching to be touched, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be touched and face the ultimate denial of relief, or go without this intimacy and maintain the low level of suffering I already felt.

Mommy mounted me and began riding me. The heat of her body surrounding my cock was overwhelming. I said "what if I can’t stop from cumming?" And she just reminded me that I can’t. After a bit she got off, and turned around, mounting me again in reverse. Then she turned on her wand again and used it on herself, but I could feel its vibrations going through my cock and balls too. She came hard and then held me and told me that I was a good boy.

But the torture wasn’t over. She kept returning to my cock over and over, bringing me close to orgasm and then stopping. She would then lay beside me and let me kiss her or suck on her nipples before returning again to my torture. At one point, she turned the wand on again and used it on herself while stroking me. I think its the most intense orgasm I have ever heard from her. She was on her knees on the bed, and as she screamed, the entire frame shook, and vibrated against the back wall. As she came, she stopped stroking me, but squeezed my cock with a strength I didn’t know she had. My cock felt like it might burst from the pressure. It felt incredible.

I lost count of the number of times she brought me to the edge. Each time, I imagined her getting fucked by another man, even a room full of men, fucking her roughly the way she likes. And I again went to a place that had previously been unfamiliar to me. Initially, I would be brought to the edge and would try to concentrate hard to fight off the orgasm. But now I did something entirely new: at the first indication that things were starting to build toward the edge, I immediately began concentrating to keep the building sensation itself at bay, well before reaching the edge. And so I was denying myself on the one hand, but then enjoying the intimacy of Mommy stroking me for longer on the other hand. I was mentally dissociating myself from the exquisite sensations in my cock. I started to leave my body again. I could feel the agony and ecstacy of the sensations in my cock, and at the same time, I couldn’t feel them.

It is such a strange feeling to use all the power of your mind that you can muster to deny yourself the pleasure that your body is relentlessly trying to obtain. To willfully use your mental focus to defeat your greatest desires. I’ve never been taken to that place before. Its the exact opposite of how most people approach sexual fulfillment, the exact opposite of how our bodies and minds are designed to function. Instead of everything working in unison toward the goal of orgasm, I was using everything I had to fight reaching that goal, I was struggling mightily against myself.

I can sense that my mind is being rewired, reprogrammed. My body’s involuntary sexual response to stimulation is being used against me. Someday, maybe I will perceive pleasure only as torture and not pleasurable at all. I will dread being stimulated and fearful of cumming. I can easily imagine it, because I have started having those feelings already. I always thought of physical and emotional pain as ways to punish someone, but I never considered that pleasure could be used to punish someone so much more severely.

I don’t know what kind of person can exist like this, so constantly, thoroughly tormented. What kind of person am I becoming? I only know that this is a journey that you can’t return from. Someday I will be completely broken and dependent on Mommy for every breath. The person I was, the innocent boy with so much promise and potential, who only ever just wanted to be happy, living in a peaceful, safe world, that boy will be lost forever. Replaced by what? I can only imagine darkness, emptiness, non-existence in that place.

Several times Mommy stopped and it seemed like our torture session would end, and I could start to recover, to cope with my lingering desire and try to pull myself together to face the day. And then, this attempt at calm was broken when she would grab my shaft again and start stroking. But finally, there was a real last time, she held me for a while before letting me loose from the restraints and I then worked to get my cage back on. Another day closer to my ultimate destruction.

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