I am becoming more and more desperately horny to the point that sometimes I can feel my heart racing, and I feel like I can barely breath. The urges inside me are so strong that when they hit, they demand that I stop and focus entirely on them. I almost tremble from the pent up frustration, and from the knowledge that there is no relief for it. It is complete agony, and coping with it is changing my mind. My already dark, extreme thoughts are getting darker and more extreme. I am beginning to think that there is very little I would not do for Mommy. I am becoming capable of things I couldn’t have imagined before.

Last night, when Mommy returned home from her day, I met her at the door in my usual manner: naked, on my knees, holding a cold beer for her. We kissed and then she sat on the couch while I sat on a stool and massaged her feet and she told me about her day. We then talked about ways I could help her get more organized, start a exercise regimen, and help her invest her money. She took off her pants and for the rest of the night, I watched her walking around, her perfectly round ass exposed, bouncing seductively as she walked, framed wonderfully by pink panties.

At one point, we got playful and wrestled on the floor. Then we went to the bedroom where she simply rolled over on her stomach and opened her legs, inviting me to worship her ass, as she knew how badly I wanted to all night. Then, I used the Magic Wand on her while simultaneously licking her clit, and she came making screams I had not yet heard her make. The power of the orgasm seemed to surprise her too.

She mentioned that she had started talking to one of her online friends again after a few weeks of silence, and she once again held out the possibility that they might get together. This is a man who has made it very clear that he wants to fuck Mommy, and Mommy made it very clear that she finds him attractive, and thinking about the possibility of the two of them together made me feel faint. I need so badly for Mommy to hurt me this way. I am starting to think that I might be more easily broken than I had previously thought. I don’t think Mommy understands the freedom she already has to do whatever she wants, and this freedom will only become greater as I become more broken down, defeated by my own desires.

That night, I woke several times from sexy dreams about Mommy, and then my mind would wander to new, more extreme thoughts than I have ever had before, obviously fueled by my lack of sexual relief. It was difficult to get back to sleep thinking of these new possibilities that were flooding my mind.

As I reflected on our talk of investments, I started to think: what if Mommy demanded a certain amount of money from me each month, as a condition of continuing our relationship? This would make me feel so small and worthless, so used, it would be so cruel of Mommy. How could I not adore her more for such ruthlessness?

I reflected on our wrestling, and I thought, what if Mommy forced me to fight other men? I have already thought about her boyfriends beating me up for her amusement, but what if she forced me to fight other submissive men, naked slaves fighting for the amusement of their owners and other spectators? It would be like a small gladiatorial contest in which the loser is publicly punished and humiliated in some way.

I started to think about going on vacation to a nudist retreat. I would wear only my collar, my bracelet, my chastity cage, and maybe a colorful butt plug that everyone would also notice. I would be exposed to everyone, and there would be no question about my status. And we had always talked about her being able to truly hurt and injure me while we are on vacation, when I would have time to heal before returning to my other life. What if I had bruises all over my body, including a black eye and bloody lip? Everyone would know that not only am I not a real man, but I am an abused slave as well. They would look at me with utter disgust wherever I went. They would see me as the monster I am.

These are quite new thoughts for me. I know that I would now not only accept these situations, but I would do so gladly. Such is the power of my own sexual desire to turn in on myself and destroy me from within. My already warped mind is bending and twisting in new ways I could not have imagined.

I reflected on something that Mommy said: "Should I ever allow you to cum again?" The thought of not cumming ever again both excites and terrifies me. How far will my mind be taken, bent, destroyed? How would I keep my sanity in the face of this, especially when I am already so crazed, just barely two weeks into teasing and denial? I want Mommy to deny me forever, then we will see just how far I can be broken.

I need for Mommy to take sexual pleasure in hurting me, undermining me, destroying me. I want her lust to build, and her cruelty toward me to build along with it. I want her to make my life a nightmare of suffering, and I want her to thoroughly enjoy watching me suffer.

And when it finally comes time for me to close my eyes for the very last time, I want the last thing I see to be Mommy excitedly orgasming as she watches the moment arrive when my existence is extinguished forever. Then I can die fulfilled.

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