I always imagined what the effects of tease and denial might be, but nothing could prepare me for the reality of it, the sheer power of it. And I wasn’t prepared for how quickly the effects would take hold. I thought I could go for a few months at least before the lack of release would start to torture me, but it has only taken a few weeks. What will I be like in a few months, a few years even? What will my thoughts be like, and what will I be willing to do under Mommy’s control?
Because I am not able to interact with my own penis anymore, sometimes I almost forget it is even a part of my body. If anything, I tend to focus on the cage and not my penis, because that is what I can see and touch. And the entire package moves as one unit now, with my balls pressed against the cage. I am starting to lose the memory of how good it feels to stroke my cock. Mommy is the only one who gets to stroke it. My cock belongs to her now, she is in complete control of it. My cock only ever feels like a cock anymore when Mommy strokes it, so how could I not think of it as her’s now?
Last night, Mommy even forbade me from touching the cage too much when I am horny. Presumably, this also means that I can’t hump her pillow or do other, similar activities, where I can try to press my cock harder against the cage. Not that these things provide me any satisfaction, any relief. If anything, they torture me more because I can’t feel the pleasure of rubbing my cock, I can only try to remember what it was like to be free.
The only time I get any kind of relief is when I am frantically working to serve Mommy, and I become so focused on my tasks, and the pleasure they will give her when I complete them, that for that time, I am able to forget about how horny I am. The acts of service themselves become a sexual expression, and are a connection to her even when she is far away.
Mommy often asks me if I want to cum, and I tell her I do. But I have also begged her to never let me cum again. I’m not sure she understands that these two desires can exist at the same time, and it’s because they exist at the same time that she has power over me. Wanting desperately to cum, but knowing that I may never cum again, is the impossible position that I want to exist in and suffer in. Its no different than when a slave is being beaten and begging for it to stop, but at the same time, they don’t want it to stop. Their protests are legitimate, but they want their protests to be heard, then ignored. It reinforces their helplessness and lack of control over the situation that is very pleasurable in itself.
Chastity is truly changing me. My old thoughts of myself, including any arbitrary boundaries I put on myself are fading away. I am starting to think about things I have never thought about before. I think I am capable of more than I ever imagined before. Such is the power of denial. And after all, in the past, I have been made to do things I didn’t want to do (forced non-consensually), and some of those things I came to enjoy, but in every case, I came to accept them.
For example, despite my low pain tolerance, I want to be trained to take more pain, so I can be further degraded and get closer to fulfilling my role as a slave. Mommy, like most women I have met, likes to hurt me. She likes to hear me gasp, cry out, whine, writhe under her touch. I don’t enjoy it at all, and yet it makes my cock hard, and I don’t try to stop it from happening. Despite not liking physical pain, I accept it, and don’t try to avoid it as most people naturally would.
This is my role, this is what I exist for, to be Mommy’s plaything. If she wants to hurt me, I have to try to take it. My only goal is her pleasure, even if it means I have to be hurt in the process. And after all, isn’t hurting me despite my aversion, my protests, my suffering, exactly what is pleasurable to her about the act of hurting me? To exercise that level of control over me that my desires are disregarded in the pursuit of what she wants? That is a step beyond simply being able to hurt me. At the first level, there is the power she has to strike me when I consent to it and perhaps find it pleasurable, then there is the next level, where she has the power to strike me even when I don’t find it pleasurable, and maybe I don’t even truly consent to it. The first level is what she is experiencing now I think, and that is the level at which BDSM stops. The next level is where things get really interesting. That is the level where much deeper psychological damage can occur.
Another example, in the past, any ass play, especially pegging, I couldn’t imagine doing. Then I started experimenting with prostate massage, and the idea didn’t seem quite so distant then. And of course, I know that pegging is an activity that many dominant women enjoy and would expect me to do as well, so I have often wondered if at some point, I would have to do it simply to please a dominant partner. Now, I want Mommy to take my ass and make me her little sissy bitch. I want her to train me so that I no longer think of getting sexual satisfaction through my penis, but only through my ass. This seems like a natural evolutionary step now that I am in chastity.
Once Mommy starts using me in these ways, its hard for me to imagine that she would have any respect for me whatsoever, let alone love and affection. Wouldn’t she be disgusted by me? How could she see me as a man in any sense? She might even begin to hate me because of what I am. Of course, I would still love her, and worship her, even more so perhaps. My real fear is what she will start to do to me once she stops seeing me as a man, or even a person at all, but a disgusting creature that should be made to suffer. If she loses affection for me, and especially if it’s replaced with disgust and hate, her emotions, the desire to protect me would be gone, no longer tempering her actions, and instead, they would replaced by a strong desire to inflict pain and suffering that would be met by my own growing desire to feel pain and to suffer. If these two forces collide, how could I possibly survive?
Another thing that was always very firmly a "hard limit" for me was any sexual contact with other men. This was something I couldn’t even imagine. But although I am straight–I am not sexually attracted to men–I am starting to think that I could be forced to do things with other men that I couldn’t imagine before.
Several things led me down this path. Again, I know this is an expectation of many dominant women, and so I have thought that in order to eventually be someone’s wife, I would have to accept this. I have also seen femdom porn in which slaves are forced to rub one cock against the other, and I have to admit that that was mind blowing to me at the time, and an unexpected turn on. And, as I’ve watched cuckold and BBC porn, I have even come to appreciate and admire the power and beauty of a large cock. So, over time, the idea has gradually become more normalized. Again, it seems like a natural evolution in the process of negating my manhood, just as chastity has.
I have read accounts of other submissive men like me, who swore they would never do anything with other men, who told their owners this was a hard limit, yet they were gradually trained and forced by their owners, and came to accept these acts. Again, the humiliation is the key aspect for both the slave and the owner. Its because the slave is straight that forced bisexual behavior is so humiliating and degrading. A slave can even enjoy being "forced" to do these things, not because of the acts themselves, but because of the intense feelings of powerlessness and loss of control he feels during the act. In that way, its really no different than any other sexual interaction between the owner and the slave, such as when Mommy hurts me despite my aversion to pain. The slave is tormented for the enjoyment of the owner, forcing bisexual contact with him is just a more extreme form of torment. Like everything else, its an expression of the owner’s power and control over the slave’s body and mind. That is why my cock gets hard when I am hurt, despite not liking the pain. It gets hard at what the pain represents.
I have never before wanted, nor have I experienced a sexual interaction with another male. But, I have wondered what it would be like to fight another man for Mommy’s amusement. To be beaten by another man for her amusement. What would it be like to feel the power of a strong man grabbing me by the throat, lifting me up and throwing me down? What would it be like to touch a large cock and feel its power, a power I could never know myself? And like with anything else, my mind naturally wanders to strange new places and imagines bizarre new scenarios. What if Mommy and her boyfriend went on a double date with me and a gay man that Mommy has selected for me? To be forced to be a man’s date in public while Mommy is so intimate with another man would take cuckolding to a whole new level of sickness. Its hard to think of anything more devastating. And this is ultimately what I do: I torture myself mentally by thinking of the unthinkable, things that could happen that would break me completely, utterly destroy me. Maybe Mommy can think of new creative ways to humiliate me that I can’t even imagine myself?
And so I have slowly come to accept that I may eventually have to do these things, and that on some level, I may even come to enjoy them. Still, these are things so strange to me that I have thought that if that moment arrives, I might not be able to follow through with them, and I might try to escape and be raped if I can’t excape. But now that I am denied in chastity, these thoughts, and many others have twisted to the point where I am certain that in these situations, I would accept my fate and not try to escape. As she said, I am fading away, all the old thoughts of who I am are fading, and being replaced by whatever Mommy decides.
And this is the journey we are both on now. I don’t think we can know where it will lead, or how it will change us. I hope the journey never ends. I hope that if we reach times where we can’t imagine anything further, we suddenly see another path before us, with something terrible, something wonderful, just around the bend, just out of sight, and we continue further down the road we are on to find it.