There is a myth in the BDSM community that you need to be strong to be a submissive, that you may need even more strength than a dominant person has.

This is counter-intuitive for a reason: its just simply not true. At least, its not true of me, and I don’t believe it’s true of others either, at least not those subs who seek 24/7 power exchange. These people are submissive 24/7 and searching for a life where they can be more comfortable with this, where their external life aligns with their internal feelings. This is the fundamental desire of a submissive.

Submissives are weaker. Submissiveness is shameful. Submissives are inferior. And likewise, dominants are stronger, and people to be admired. They are the winners in life, in all areas, not just sexually. How can it be otherwise? And how can we deny these truths or find them unpleasant?

The cuckold admires dominant, confident, alpha men who embody these manly virtues. The cuckold admires them all the more because he lacks these qualities himself. It is only right that these men are rewarded, and it is only right that women chose them over us. These men have conquered us sexually. It’s repugnant to think that a superior woman would degrade herself by having sex with losers like us. We can only hope to serve these women, to have brief glimpses of their attention by being useful to them and being used by them.

I was often puzzled by so-called dominant women on sites like FetLife who claimed they were looking for a "confident" sub. This is confused, perhaps because these women are not truly dominant either. A sub simply cannot be confident, at least, not in the way they describe. They describe a man who is, or at least, appears to be alpha to the outside world, but who is completely controlled at home, or at least, in the bedroom. But these two states cannot exist in one man, they are fundamentally incompatible. If a sub acts like an alpha, it is only an act, he knows he is a fraud, and this act is damaging to his self-esteem because it’s a constant reminder of what he lacks. And a true alpha would never allow themselves to be controlled by another.

It is possible to destroy the confidence in an alpha man so he is no longer an alpha. I don’t believe the opposite is possible, to raise a sub to the level of an alpha. Confidence is something that can be taken away, and it can even be quite fragile in that sense, but inferiority is something that becomes part of the fabric of your being. It is exposed when the outer cover of confidence is removed. This is nature, entropy is natural.

The logic on the other side seems to be that, for example, to withstand physical torture, you must be physically strong. This would seem to make sense, but it simply doesn’t apply, at least, not to a femdom relationship. The truth is that generally speaking, women have much higher pain tolerance than men, it’s just that submissive men take the pain because they feel they deserve it. On some level, if not on all levels, they hate themselves. There is more here that I can explore further in a future post.

But even if all you are doing is "role-playing," these are the roles you are playing: the dominant is superior and in control, the submissive is inferior and controlled. If you think these activities do not reinforce these concepts in each of your minds, even as just role-playing, you are kidding yourselves. If you think that physically hurting a man will not damage him psychologically, you are fooling yourself. It may take time, it may happen slowly, but it is happening. That is how we are built, to be conditioned through these processes and eventually, to be addicted to these sensations until we can’t imagine living any other way.

At least, this is how it has worked for me. I am a naturally shy, introverted, introspective, gentle person. I act accordingly, and the world reacts accordingly. I began life in a devalued, degraded state, and I continued to be devalued and degraded. Slowly, over time, I have let go of thoughts of myself having any value. (After all, how can I be right, and the entire world be wrong?) As I have come to understand my lack of value as a living thing, I have come to accept more degradation, in increasing amounts and intensity. This is what I deserve, and it is my fate. This is why death is the true completion of my life, because if it is forced upon me, it is the ultimate expression of my worthlessness.

I know I can’t be a confident alpha, and I have reached a point where I can admire such men without hoping I could somehow be one too. This is just not my lot in life. And once I accepted that, I began to want to go deeper into the darkness, to fulfill my destiny as an object to be used and abused.

There are many myths and misconceptions in the BDSM community and elsewhere around D/s sexuality, and I will write more on these in future posts.

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