Mommy created a Facebook account for this blog, and I’ve gotten many new visitors from it quite suddenly. Its very nice to see that people find these thoughts interesting. It’s putting pressure on me to quickly upgrade the site, and I hope to do this within the next week. Then I can teach Mommy how to post her own thoughts too, and I think people will be interested to see the other side of our interactions. We focus on different details, we interpret the same circumstances differently. We have a lot we can learn from each other.
Some feedback that Mommy has passed along is that there are a few dominant women who feel they are gaining insight into the submissive mind by reading my thoughts. First, I’m not sure how much I reflect the typical submissive mind, and maybe there is no such thing to typify. My experience in the BDSM community indicated to me that people are very idiosyncratic in what they find arousing, and it’s no wonder people have such a hard time finding someone they are compatible with.
And I feel like I am only beginning to understand myself, just scratching the surface, and there is so much more to learn. Its only been within the past few years that I have come to understand that I like emotional pain and seek it out. It’s still hard for me to grasp this paradox, since it seems that I don’t like emotional pain. The pain is still painful to me, but for some reason, I need it. Its hard to make sense of it for myself, let alone someone else like my Mommy.
Its an interesting evolution. I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts out of my head, just so I could momentarily stop wrestling with them and get some sleep. Then within the first week of writing, I met Mommy, and revealed the blog to her shortly after, so she could see what she is getting herself into. Since then, I have written this with her as my intended audience, and she wants me to continue to do this. She has told me that I am not to write with others in mind, and I am not to try to interact with anyone on Facebook. She will manage the account, and she will be the one interacting with people there.
Because I never thought this blog would be read by many people, I haven’t been very careful about my writing. I do spell check, and I might reread what I have written once or twice and change things to help clarify them, but otherwise, I really don’t proofread and edit. What I write pretty much just pours out of me onto the screen.
What I write reflects my mood at the moment, and in the beginning, I was in an incredibly dark and lonely place, completely consumed by self-hatred. But over time, with Mommy, this has changed. In the past I worried about my secret life being exposed, and constantly carrying and protecting this secret was exhausting. I felt like such a fraud. For example, how could I go to work and lead a staff meeting when, while I am standing there, I am wearing a cage around my cock? Sure, nobody else would know, but I would know; I would know that everything I say and do in public is just an act, and I am just barely getting away with it. I am a monster in disguise.
Now, I am a little less afraid of being exposed, as evidenced by the fact that Mommy orders for me in restaurants for example. At first I worried about what people would think, but now flirting with the danger of being exposed is exciting for me. And of course, this is the first time a woman has ordered for me in a restaurant, so it is a brand new source of humiliation I had not even thought about before. It’s something so small and simple, yet it’s very powerful. Perhaps it’s these small gestures that will most effectively train my mind.
My perception of the chastity cage has changed, and rather quickly. I no longer think of it as something that is on me, but I think of it as a natural part of me. If you asked me to picture my own cock in my mind, in the past, I would have imagined it erect, in preparation for masturbating. Now I think of it as a steel exo-skeleton with a small, soft fleshy part just underneath.
Now when I wear the cage, I have a strange sense of pride. Instead of focusing on the imagined judgements of others, I am focused on Mommy and her approval. I wear the cage for her, and instead of it being a terrible secret that I have to hide from the world, it is simply a private thing that Mommy and I share, that I now protect because it wouldn’t be as special if other people knew.
For my entire life, I have looked out at the other world and marveled at the people in it. I was jealous because they seemed to know some secret that I didn’t know, or possibly couldn’t comprehend. They all seemed to be so happy. Life seemed to be so easy for them and so hard for me. But now, I feel like I have learned something that few people, perhaps nobody else, knows. I now have some answers to my own questions, while others are still searching, or more likely, they don’t even know that there is more to search for. The waters of life that they swim in are very shallow. Mine are deep and dark and beautiful.