My mind is being gripped by A, by the thoughts of a future together. It’s hard for me to grasp what A wants sometimes. How can he love me, yet want me to be with someone else? Isn’t that completely opposite of love? I know he doesn’t understand it either.
I do understand that A is like a lost little puppy looking for someone to love him. I knew this on our first date. He made a comment about how I would fall in love with him and it would be easier if I would move towards his home than for him to move, since he owns a home. It screamed to me that he just wants someone, possibly anyone to accept him for exactly who he is.
He has self hatred, he believes he is ugly, a monster, unlovable and unwanted. Given his past I can understand why he feels that way. He is beneath women, intimidated by them. I know there is a lot that I don’t know about him. Things that I will learn over time. I want to read every page of his life and learn all there is to know.
I completely accept A for who he is, his desires, his fears, his failures and successes. I am glad that he is allowing me to explore this world. One that isn’t pretend. There are many times that I ask his opinion or what he wants. I know that I have to stop doing that. He doesn’t want that. He wants to be told what to do. This is the beauty of exploring this world together. He allows me to make mistakes, to allow him to have his own opinions. For now.
I always want him to be able to converse, to be knowledgeable of world issues, politics, local news. When I own other slaves, A will be the one I take out when I want to go out and have a good time. He’s attractive and intelligent. so even if I take his freedoms away and he becomes my slave fully, I will never want him to stop thinking for himself. He is a beautiful soul, but he will be my slave. He will one day live to serve me only.
I look forward to the day I can collar him. The day that I make him my wife. It all seems strange to me, to say that I will have a wife. However it almost seems as though my life has been preparing me for this. I have almost always been the “man” in the relationships. The tough, protective one, the one to take the lead, as the husband is supposed to do. So even if the title of him being my wife is weird, it doesn’t matter. It comes down to the fact that he is looking for someone to love and protect him as a husband is to do.
So one day A will become my wife. He will take care of the house, the shopping, mailing of Christmas cards, reminding me of things that need to be done. He will keep me on task and this is everything I have needed in life.
I look forward to him retiring and working from home, making money using his mind. For me to come home to. Someone to bow down to me at the door, to serve me. However I will also serve him if that makes sense, to serve him, I will protect him. He has to understand this is a relationship, give and take and there has to be respect and love. If I take more slaves, I don’t know if I will love them. I love A and for now, he makes me very happy.
This weekend I will be placing a chain around his ankle when he sleeps. It’s heavy and will be locked on his ankle with a padlock. I often think about what it will be like to chain him up in our yard as I go out for the day, he can hang around and do chores, yard work and run an online business. He will be chained and behind a fence. Not many people will know of his existence. He will live to serve me, please me and make my life easier.
I love A but he has a lot of work to do. When we are in public I notice that he stares incessantly at other women, I pretend that I don’t notice. It’s the act of a little dog. Last weekend there was a young woman with shorts on that barely covered her ass. His eyes were fixated on them. I didn’t punish him, or even say anything. It irritated me. It was a completely disrespectful thing to do. However I knew that if I said anything at that moment I would embarrass us both. I was also in a bad mood anyways, so I didn’t want to say anything to make a scene. I have since had ideas on how to fix that behavior. I will carry a blindfold with me when we go out. If he stares (Not just glances) at a woman’s ass or tits I will blindfold him in public. That will humiliate him, which is something I think would be deserved.
A knows that I have a rage that burns under my surface. He has never witnessed it, I have told him about it, but to experience it will scare him, without a doubt. So if his piggish behavior continues I will have no option to punish him. Which will include a lot of pain, which he doesn’t like. However I think that’s the best way to make him change his behavior.
I am on a few different Facebook pages, I have gained friends and a lot of insight from various people. I am new to this lifestyle, so I ask many questions. I enjoy learning from others that have been in this for years. I have learned about punishment and reward. Although we are not in the BDSM community, I am learning a lot from those in it. Each day is a new adventure and lesson for me.