The more I am learning about BDSM, the more I don’t like it. I have to admit, I did have a preconceived notion about it that was an immediate turn off. However since meeting “A” I figured I would give it a fair chance.
So I created a FB account and joined several BDSM pages. I have talked with several people in this life style and I have learned some things. I just can’t wrap my mind around the ideas that SOME of these people share.
A was right, the dominant women aren’t truly dominant, they seek protection from their submissives if they were ever put in a bad situation. One person asked if these Dommes expected their Sub to protect them. Every woman said “Yes”, except me. I take a lot of pride in knowing that I honestly don’t expect A to do anything in a bad situation. I am his protector. I would protect him the same way I would any one of my kids. If someone put us in a situation that required one of us to fight back, I would be the one who would be pissed off at the threat and I would do something about it.
Women in these groups do a lot of things I cannot bring myself to do, which I am not saying what they do is wrong, to each their own, If that is what makes them happy, so be it. I am happy for them. I just can’t dress in latex, force my sub into sex with other men, spit on them, or even pegging him. I can’t do any of that to A. What we do is between us, it isn’t for show, it isn’t for others. I never put pics on FB of anything we do, because it isn’t a show. This is our life. 24/7. It’s private for the most part. This blog is also a way for A and I to communicate.
Although, I don’t always see A as an equal, I sometimes see him as a pathetic man child, weak and sad. I could never spit on him or force him into anything. Not yet at least, but my mind is changing.
I enjoy my time with A, when I tie him up, blindfold him and bring him to subspace, that place where his eyes slowly drift off and he’s in a Euphoric state. Giving him this high makes me happy. I truly set that as my goal when I do tie him up.
Some days I worry that he will get bored, I don’t punish him very often. I know he hates pain, but I know that punishment is for his growth and learning. I am teaching him to be the perfect wife for me. I just can’t imagine doing the things some of the Dommes/Doms do to their subs.
Abuse is difficult for me, having been abused by exes, witnessing it in my jobs, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around. The thought that A wants to be the abused “wife” was a hard concept, but I get it. Domestic violence is a very intimate act. In a very warped mind, I can understand A craving it, to have someone love you so fucking much that they hurt you, because they hurt. They hurt you because they care so much. I can understand why A craves that intimacy. He has never had someone care that much about him. To want to hurt him, to be that intimate with him.
I know that what A and I do now is working. I know that he is content, he is very simple and doesn’t require much. He acts like a child at times. He gets scared and bites his fingers, his eyes downcast and he gets a childlike voice. I know that he needs me at these times. To make him feel safe, loved and cared for.
A has come a very long ways since we first met. In the beginning, his writings talked about how ugly he was, what a monster he was. I have built his confidence, he is thriving. He knows that he’s attractive and loved. I love that I helped get him there. I also enjoy knowing that I can make all of those good feelings he has about himself go away. I may have built him up, but I can tear him down a lot faster if I feel he needs it. I know that I cannot allow his confidence to soar too much. I want him to know he’s amazing, but he will not be allowed to get arrogant about it.
If I feel that A is becoming to confident in who he is, or if he feels he no longer needs me, he will be tied and chained up, Blindfolded and his earplugs will be put in. I will physically hurt him, causing bruises, bleeding and severe pain. Then he can again feel like that pathetic little monster that he always has been. He cannot always feel safe in the good feelings I have helped him find. I have given and I can and will take those feelings away if need be.
One day A will not be able to survive without me, his mind will be so wrapped up in my happiness that he will no longer exist. That’s my goal for him. For us. For him to be the perfect little wife for me. I look forward to the day I can collar him and call him my wife. This thought turns me on.
He feels that they only way to be truly happy is to serve someone, in all of their love, anger, joy and if he can bring those feelings to the woman he serves, then he feels he has been good for someone. To have a purpose to live. A serves me well, he brings a lot of happiness to me. He eases my mind and takes many daily burdens away from me.
A once wrote that he hopes for an owner that cares and that he can do things with, like cuddling, laughing, going on adventures. He also said he doesn’t think that he would ever find it. He has, he finally has the type of situation he had always thought about. The type of owner that would protect him and love him, but also discipline him.
I have been very easy on him lately, which strange enough, has disappointed me. I like being strict with him, with disciplining, protecting and guiding him. Things are going to change. I have found myself falling back into the same person I always become in relationships. The simple, wanting to please my partner type person. That person is disappearing especially after my ex boyfriend. This relationship with A is one of the most important I have had, it has challenged me and it is changing everything I have known about myself. This is one of those times that everything will change. For that to happen I will be taking much more control of A. I hope that we are both ready for this. We have explored the darkness together, and we will continue doing so. I am just going to be more strict. I will take more ownership of him and his mind. This is a great adventure I have stumbled on…