I haven’t blogged in a while because Mommy and I have been busy vacationing. We began with a sailing trip on a nearby lake. As we rode the schooner, we drank wine, and the weather was perfect, sunny, warm, but with a steady breeze that refreshed. We concluded the vacation with a day-long visit to an upscale spa, spending most of our time drinking wine and cocktails in a large, outdoor, hot massage pool that has natural rock waterfalls.
Mommy and I have been going a little overboard lately drinking, eating out, etc., and neglecting our normal healthy habits. I have gained a little weight in the past few months. But as Summer winds down, we are looking to re-commit ourselves to being healthy, and we started this by working out together in the gym. I am also going to once again try to get on testosterone replacement therapy. I know that I need it, but I am having a very hard time getting a doctor to sign off on it. I live in a rural area, and my options are therefore limited somewhat.
The vacation also gave us time to unplug and reflect. I was thinking about the nature of dominance and submission, power and strength. I suspect that submissives understand dominance more than dominants understand submission. After all, a good servant by nature needs to be outwardly oriented to those he serves.
I was reminded of a quote from Lao Tzu, that I will probably misquote, but I think the overall intention is preserved:
Mastering others requires power, mastering yourself requires strength.
I wondered if a submissive can be under someone’s power, but still have a personal strength within themselves, what you might characterize as self-dominance, whatever that may mean. I’m not sure if this is true, at least, I’m not sure if it’s true of me. As I have said before, in submission, I give myself away, which is based on lack of self-worth, and it seems logical at least that this must be the case. To serve, you must sacrifice yourself at times, putting aside your needs to focus on meeting the needs of another. This implies that you value the other person’s desires more than your own. If this is true, we shouldn’t shy away from recognizing it.
(Think about submitting sexually, the essence of which is giving away your body, giving up control over what happens to you physically, for the time that your owner wants to use you for their pleasure.)
Perhaps it’s possible to be submissive and have strength, but this hasn’t been my experience, and such a state would mean that my relationship with my owner would look very different. Perhaps ownership would no longer even be an accurate characterization of it.
When the desire to submit is strongest, I actually get a perverse thrill from being devalued, by others and myself. It feels so good and so right, and its warmth permeates every cell of my body. It can feel good to feel small, worthless, and I can almost feel my entire being shriveling up as the other person consumes me. This is why what so many people think of as abuse is so darkly seductive to me. But other times, when I have more self-worth, more self-confidence, etc., my desire to submit, at least sexually, is greatly tempered. But even when my desire to submit sexually is tempered, there is still an overriding desire to please my owner, to serve them, to try to make them as happy as possible. Such is the depth of my submissiveness: to love is to serve.
In prior blog posts, I have said that I am both submissive and weak, and I have connected the two, and as expected (and predicted), I have been attacked for making this connection by people who can’t see beyond BDSM dogma. Still, I only claim this connection for myself, although I suspect it may apply to others as well. It is a painful truth sometimes, but a truth nonetheless. And I have always respected and valued truth, even though the truth is often painful. I still believe that it is always better to know.
I began to understand that the people attacking me weren’t doing so because they thought I was making a false claim, or making my claim too broadly. They were attacking me because on some level, they acknowledged the truth in what I was saying, and that frightened them deeply. A submissive man will have a hard time accepting the truth of being weak if it applies to him. A dominant woman may need the pretty lie that what she is doing is not abusive because if she does what she does to someone who is weak, this says something about her that she finds unpleasant.
It is certainly easier to live in denial. Denial exists for the exact purpose of protecting our minds from painful truths. It might be something about ourselves we can’t admit, such as recognizing that hurting a weaker person makes one a bully. It might be something that has happened to us that we can’t understand, such as past non-consensual abuse. The other world is a hostile place, and we protect ourselves.
I spent much of my life lying to myself, even though as I lied to myself, a part of me always knew that it was a lie. (How can you lie without first knowing the truth, and then denying it, to others, and possibly yourself?) For me, the truth was as hard to gaze upon as the naked sun. But I decided that to be a happier, mentally healthier person, I had to turn my face, open my eyes and see the naked light of truth. It was a difficult process, and over time, I had to train my mind out of lifelong habits of thinking and ingrain new ways of thinking. I still try to perfect myself to this day, but the hardest part, as with everything, is simply starting. This was the hardest thing I have ever done, and it is, therefore, my proudest accomplishment.
Of course, I am still not perfectly true to myself all the time, but on the whole, I believe that I live a life of integrity, a life that accepts truths no matter how unflattering they may be, no matter how uncomfortable they may make me, rather than living a life of denial and lies. I believe this is not just better, but correct. I pride myself on my intention to live correctly.
I seek to understand the world, and even more importantly, to understand myself. I suppose this alone gives me some degree of self-dominance, of strength.