Mommy was away for the night, which gave me time for quiet reflection that I haven’t had in a while. I have been reading about the psychology of fetishes and struggling once again to understand myself. But my search for answers always leaves me wanting, and I haven’t been able to come up with my own answers yet.

I don’t recognize myself in most of the descriptions I read. Submissive men talk about having self-esteem, but what if low self-esteem is a fetish? What hope for happiness does one have then?

They talk of the need to accept yourself and your fetishes. But the concept of acceptance has as its foundation a negative: we are defeated and our only option is to give up, to give in. We have to accept our condition because we cannot defeat it. It has defeated us.

Ideally, we would be victorious over these strange desires, these compulsions. We would rid ourselves of them, not accept them. Acceptance may make us mentally healthier than non-acceptance, but it doesn’t necessarily make us mentally healthy.

I know that my feelings are not healthy mentally. I know that I make them worse with my actions. I do wonder where this will all lead. It feels like a race of sorts. I resist going deeper, but I am slowly drawn in deeper, and sometimes I feel like I need to resist just long enough so that my body will give up before my mind does. That is a constant thought of mine: that I die before I go insane.

It’s not another person that enslaves me, it is my compulsions that enslave me. They control me. They have the power over me, and I do their bidding. I can’t imagine how acceptance of this would benefit me at all.

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