Things have changed significantly over the past few months with sub and I. I believe I have helped him see himself in a better way. His self esteem is higher and I think he realizes he is worthy of the things he has always thought that he was not good enough for. I tell him daily how amazing he is, how attractive and sexy he is. I try to show him that he is loved, and he absolutely deserves to be loved. This seems to have caused his desire to be dominated to lessen. Almost vanish. Or possibly hidden deeply. He has this natural desire to be loved. It runs much deeper than other men I have met. So maybe he still wants to be dominated, but knowing I couldn’t be that, maybe he is choosing to hide his desires. He doesn’t communicate things easily and has a hard time asking for things he wants. So I don’t know if he wants that anymore or if he has enough confidence to not desire those things anymore. I can honestly say we are the closest thing to a normal couple that we have ever been. That’s what I wanted when I first met him.
A has seen me dominate situations before, without hesitation. It is my natural behavior, but when it comes to making decisions for him and even myself, I keep failing, over and over. I wish I could dominate him as much as I do other parts of my life.
When we first started dating I was very nervous, believing I couldn’t do the things he so desperately desired. I thought that would cause him to lose interest. That somehow he would become bored, because he sought out dominant women to be cruel to him, to control him, to tell him what to do and to master him. None of which I had done before. That gave me a sense of fear. Maybe he would realize that I couldn’t be everything he wanted.
He tells me he enjoys how things are now, but I guess in some twisted way, the thing I feared back then, is the thing I miss most. The domination. My mind is still stuck in this weak state from past relationships. Maybe my past experiences are going to destroy what I want with him.
Lately I crave it, I crave him worshiping me like he used to. When he would bite my ass, or beg to cum and I would refuse to allow him such pleasure. I miss him crying out “Mommy please”. Those things that seemed so weird back then are the exact things I long for now. I have tried to just go with what we have, as I do love it, however, in public last night we saw a guy wearing a submissive’s collar. This was the first time I have ever seen someone wearing one. The guy even joked about being a masochist, It made my mind wander to a fantasy I used to have in the beginning. To have a ceremony, to collar A, have him be my property. Something far greater than what normal society would consider a husband. I want A to be mine in every way imaginable.
Maybe over time my mind will wander away from these thoughts again, but for today, they are in the front of my mind.
Whatever way we decide to do things, I am glad that I am doing them with him. He is a beautiful soul and I am blessed beyond measure to know and have him.
Maybe today we start over. Maybe today he can see me in the way he had wanted to in the past. Maybe I can be that dominant bitch he needs.